literature

Quest from Sanity: Part 1

Deviation Actions

McBum's avatar
By
Published:
235 Views

Literature Text

       A long time ago (Like last Thursday.), in a rather small and unpleasant aprtment far, far away, lived the Greek god Epitis. Now, when I say "god" do not think  all powerful, "I shall smite thee for thy insolence!" type guy. Think more of the raving nutter you find in an ally having a serious conversation about brick walls with a block of moldy cheese.You would be better off thinking this because Epitis is the god of complete and utter lunacy. The only reason Epitis is still around and didn't move out of the way when western civilization accepted this "God" character, is that when Social Change came knocking, he asked it to kindly,  "Shove off!" and "Go bother some other god." Social Change, in return, decided to make it unacceptable, in most social circles, to be insane and, with a dejected sigh, trudged off in search of Hephaestus.
              Epitis himself was not very imposing, unlike how most people assume a god to be. He wasn't very big, had longish slightly stringy black hair, was quite pale, and had dark bags under his crazed eyes. Epitis' existance may not have been the greatest either, but it suited him just fine. He had a generally unwavering schedule. In the morning, he would wake to the sound of himself yelling about chicken soup, or somthing to that nature. Then, for the first twenty minutes of his day, he would routinely talk to a half empty can of sardines about the weather. He would then promptly proceed to laugh hystrically at an ATM machine untill he was forcibly removed from the premises.
             Quite often he would get some completely outragous idea stuck in his highly warped mind, and act accordingly for however long it took for him to forget it. Two weeks ago he decided he was an olive, and kept himself busy for the following six days by swimming around in people's martinis. The week before that, he spent an entire month staring at a mailbox because he believed it would steal his wallet if he didn't. No one knows how, exactly, he managed to accomplished this feat. There have been many theories, but, because many of them involve time travel, A microwave oven, a filing cabinet, a large hammer, and a duck, they have all been dismissed as being, "absolutely bonkers!" So, this was the life of the great (There is a bit of a dispute on this particular word being used to describe this particular god.) Epitis. This was his job, to keep the flow of insanity going in the world, and, despite what anyone might say about him, he did it quite well.
             One morning, however, after a long night of trying to convince a 7/11 clerk that the candy bar he had was, in fact, the king of Siam and that the annoyed shopkeeper should therefore not be eating it, he woke to the alarming discovery that spoons were no longer dancing and singing songs from West Side Story in his mind. This development disturbed him very much. He walked out his apartment in the daze of one who had just simultaneously gotten drunk, gotten sober, and discovered that his birthday was actually a month and twelve days after what he had thought all his life, completely ignoring a slightly dissapointed half empty sardine can. Once outside the apartment he noted that none of the trees were yelling prophanity's at him. -How unusual-, he thought with puzzlement to himself. He also realized that none of the ATM's were telling hilarious jokes, or , indeed, any at all. He stared at them expectantly for several minutes, hung his head, and slowly walked away.
             As he walked through the streets he noticed that the people he saw were acting a bit more rationally than usual. More people were steering clear of fast food restaurants, people stopped buying useless knick-nacks that they don't need, Christians, who had recently been protesting about homosexuals, suddenly dropped their signs and looked quizzically at each other, as if asking, "What on Earth did we think that was actually going to accomplish?", and the raving nutter was, instead of his usual ritual of conversing with a block of cheese, attempting to talk about politics with passers by.  -How very, very strange.- He was now beginning to get a bit worried. Everywhere  he looked everything made perfect sense (Which, curiously enough, due to the way the universe works, doesn't make sense in and of it's self. Though, he didn't think about this point.). There was no chaos or insanity anywhere at all!
             This was bad. Very bad. The one thing in the universe that he was charged to do, somthing as simple as keeping the world irrational, and he managed to screw it up. Wonderful!
             "What the hell am I gonna do now?" he asked himself, indignantly.
             After much thought, he decided that the best course of action would be to go back to his apartment and crawl under his covers for a decade or two.
             He set off on the six block hike to his home. After taking ten steps, however, he heard a noise. -What Is that? Sounds like rustling. Why is there rustling behined me?- He stopped, it stopped. He walked, it rustled, he stopped. He stood very still and listened intently. He heard nothing.  He took a few more tentative steps forward, heard another rustle, and quickly turned around. There, in the middle of the sidewalk, about three feet behined him, was a rather large bush. There didn't seem to be any reason for a bush that large, or any bush really, to be in the middle of a sidewalk. Yet there it was.
             A bush the size of this one should have obstructed the flow of pedestrians, and yet they all passed by, completely oblivious to the fact the shrubbery was in their path. His eyes were glued to the oddity standing before him. He took a step, being sure not to take his eyes off the bush. There! It moved four inches toward him. "What the..." He was suddenly overcome by a flurry of leaves and twigs! Then there was nothing but darkness.
            He was floating in nothingness. Black seemed to streach on forever. -Great! First I screw up my job, and now I'm stuck inside a magic shrub! Jeez! For a world that suddenly makes sense, this doesn't make much-, he thought to himself. He contemplated his perdicament and thought that he would try moving. He did so, nine inches to his left, and found his head outside. -What an odd bush.-
            Just as he was about to dislodge the rest of his body, he was quickly and sharply yanked back in. There in the nothing in front of him, was something. A glowing something. An old something. An old glowing something with a big white beard... and a robe.
             "God?!" asked the stunned Epitis. "What on earth are you doing on... er, well, Earth?"
             "Shhhh!" replied the somthing.
             "Wha-"
             "SHH!" the something repeated, "Yes it is I, the Lord. But we must be quiet!"
             "Er, why, exactly?" He asked God, who was busy dealing with a bit of loose string on his robe.
             "What? Oh, yes, right. We must be quiet because I've had a nasty headache all day, and loud noises really don't help."
             "Wait. You're telling me that you, God, have a headache?" Epitis asked, skeptically.
             "Yeah, pretty much." God replied.
             "How does that work?!"
             "Shh! Headache! Jesus Christ!"
             Just then a second figure materialized. "Yes dad?" It asked.
             "Hm? Oh, no I wasn't talking to you." Said God.
             "I see. Didn't mean to interupt." With that, the second figure disappeared. Epitis just stood there and stared in bewilderment.
             "Sorry about that. Now, where were we?" Asked God politely.
The first part of a shortish story I'm writing.
© 2010 - 2024 McBum
Comments5
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
McBum's avatar
But I suppose I'm a bit sad that my own work wishes that someone else were writing it.